


Beautiful Trauma

by GarnetSeren



Series: Marvel Madness [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BAMF OFC, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Caring Tony Stark, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Female Protagonist, Forgiveness, Friendship, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Light Angst, Male-Female Friendship, Mentions of Rape, Mentions of non-con, Not graphically described, Past Rape/Non-con, Pre-Relationship, Protective Bucky Barnes, Rape/Non-con Elements, Reader-Insert, Redemption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-03-11 22:09:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13533546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GarnetSeren/pseuds/GarnetSeren
Summary: Bucky screamed, ripping the device off his head before putting as much distance between himself and it. His heart pounded, his chest heaved, and bile threatened to rise in his throat.Tony's device was supposed to help him get his brain sorted, was supposed to free him of everything HYDRA put in there. And although Bucky had been expecting it to be difficult, he'd never imagined it would show him that sort of memory. He... just... couldn't...He gagged at the memories, silently vowing he'd throw himself at her feet; grovel... not for forgiveness, but for the chance to simply tell her how truly sorry he was. Bucky had always known he hadn't deserved her friendship, and now his own memories had proven it. He was a monster, and he deserved whatever retribution she wanted.*An edited/updated version of a short story I originally wrote as a Bucky/OFC in 2018. After some consideration, I adapted it into a reader-insert and added a third chapter.*





	1. Condemnation (Bucky PoV)

Bucky screamed, ripping the device off his head and putting as much distance between himself and it. His heart was pounding, his chest heaving and bile was rising in his throat as he huddled in a corner of the room. Bucky was vaguely aware of the tears streaming down his face, but that wasn't the reason he drew him knees up to his chin and buried his head beneath his arms. He was ashamed, sickeningly ashamed, of himself... and Tony, Stevie, Sam and Natasha had all seen. Unable to help himself, Bucky retched, barely managing to scramble to his knee before he emptied his stomach contents.

He... just... couldn't...

It had been his first BARF session, and the latter three had only come for moral support; to help calm his nerves. Tony had suggested easing in to the treatment, focusing on lesser memories from his time in HYDRA's clutches... or even just thinking of something prior to the war... before they tackled the programming. Bucky had agreed, think it wouldn't be too hard. But of course, his jumbled, butchered mind had other ideas. It had recalled a memory that he didn't remember, which was then followed by several more in quick succession, all on the same topic.

Bucky retched again.

He'd thought she'd looked familiar; with her captivating eyes and pretty face. But she always wore 'pin-up' style make up and 'retro' clothes, that reminded Bucky vaguely of his life before, so he'd just assumed she looked familiar because she styled herself after the women from his time... but oh how wrong he'd been.

He now knew why she looked familiar, and perhaps he should have made at least some connection sooner; after all, he knew she'd also been a HYDRA prisoner/experiment... she certainly made no attempt to hide how she'd come into her mutant powers. It stood to reason they could have been held at the same time, at the same facilities; which they apparently had. He had irrefutable proof... considering he'd just watched as he'd forced himself upon her, multiple times.

Only bile came up when he retched again.

It didn't matter that he'd been forced to do it, with Rumlow and his cronies crowding in to the dingy holding cell to watch the show. It didn't matter that the ultimatum was that Bucky had her, or they all would. It didn't matter that even as the Winter Soldier, he'd reasoned he would at least be more gentle with her than they would. It didn't even matter that he hadn't wanted to do it... the fact still remained that _he_ was the one who'd thrust into her body, or her mouth. And it was hardly important that most of the times, Rumlow had been using him the same way he was using her.

Bucky only managed to gag; his stomach completely empty.

He sat back on his haunches, hiding his face behind his long hair. He was disgusted with himself, ashamed, and so full of regret and remorse. Bucky couldn't understand s why she'd never said... _anything_. With her powers, she could have easily overpowered him, forced him to remember everything he'd done to wrong her. She could have used it to her advantage, could have threatened him with the knowledge. She could have gone to their friends, told them everything; had him kicked off team, sent to jail... and Bucky wouldn't have fought or denied her retribution. She deserved nothing less than his head on a platter for what he'd done. But she hadn't.

She smiled at him; and not the type that hid a dagger waiting to strike the moment your back was turned. She talked to him, _joked_ with him. They hung out at the Compound, she'd even taken him into the city, the few times he'd been brave enough to venture out publicly. She'd comforted him after he'd had a nightmare, looked after him on the rare occasion he was injured during a mission. Bucky liked her, a lot, she was his friend... he'd been psyching himself up to ask her on a date.

Nausea roiled his empty stomach as fresh tears streamed down his cheeks. The others had been surprisingly quiet since the revelation, and Bucky knew they'd seen... Tony had shown him a demonstration. He didn't dare look up at them, too frightened of the condemning looks he knew he'd find on their faces. Tony was the one Bucky was most scared of facing right then, since it was only by the engineer's good will and hard work ,that he'd gotten a pardon and the help he needed. However, Tony was extremely good friends with her; they acted like siblings. Bucky knew he must want to beat him to a bloody pulp; he'd have done the same if their roles were somehow reversed. So when he finally heard footsteps, Bucky braced himself for a thrashing... he wouldn't put up any resistance.

A water bottle was suddenly thrust in his face. Blinking in surprise, Bucky peered up and flinch the moment he realised it was Tony who crouched down beside him. As the engineer raised his free hand, Bucky closed his eyes; he might not have any intentions of defending himself, but that didn't mean he needed to watch the man beat him... Rumlow had forced him to often enough. But instead of a punch like Bucky expected, Tony's hand landed on his flesh shoulder and fave an unexpected comforting squeeze.

“What did I say about an easy memory?”

Bucky gaped at him. “Why aren't you trying to kill me?”

Tony stared at him, obviously shocked.

“It wasn't you, Buck!” Stevie stated, sounding a little frantic.

“Who the fuck do you think the Winter Soldier is?!” he shouted, angrily. “You saw that memory, _my_ memory, same as I did. That was me... I did... I... I... raped her...” The last bit was said in a tiny whisper.

“Oh, Bucky...”

That was _her_ voice. He turned to face her so fast that it was a wonder he didn't get whiplash. Bucky was ready to grovel at her feet; not to ask for her forgiveness, he didn't deserve it, just hoping she'd let him tell her how truly fucking sorry he was. He dared glance at up at her, certain he'd find contempt if not down right hatred on her beautiful face. So he was surprised to find her looking at him with sadness... and concern... written clear as day. He held his breath as she silently came to kneel beside him, then to his utter shock, she wrapped her arms around him and whispered:

“It wasn't your fault.”

 


	2. Exoneration (Reader PoV)

Without hesitation, you held Bucky as tight as you dared. You hadn't a clue what had happened when Natasha had burst into the common room, stating that Bucky needed your help. Everyone had known Bucky was starting his therapy that day, so you'd just assumed there was a problem with the treatment and had rushed to the lab hoping to help. You certainly hadn't expected to walk in to find Bucky confessing to a crime he hadn't committed.

That wasn't to say his memories were false; they weren't. You'd lived through them. They were just... not exactly how he was remembering them. Bucky had also abused, probably more so than you were. You'd heard the threats, and had quickly realised they were trying to break another part of an already beaten man. You'd seen the fear and apology clear in his stormy grey eyes, whenever you were thrust into a cell together. And even if you hadn't seen the viscous ways Rumlow and his cronies had used Bucky... usually leaving him whimpering in pain and collapsed in a heap on the floor... you'd have still adamantly stated he'd been a victim too; forcing someone to have sex under duress was still rape. You always knew he didn't want to do what he did; could tell he was as slow and as careful as he could get away with... you also knew his actions saved you from far worse treatment. Bucky shielded you, literally with his own body.

“How can you say that?” he whispered.

“Because I was there,” you replied, simply.

Out the corner of your eye, you noticed Tony ushering the others out of the room, though Natasha had to practically drag Steve away; you really owed them one for that.

“But... I...” Bucky's voice cracked and his breathing hitched.

You sighed, quietly. “You were forced as much as I was. We did what we needed to survive, and you protected me. We both know that if it wasn't you, it would have been them... and a lot worse. You save me a lot of pain.”

Tears welled in Bucky's eyes again. “I am so, so sorry.”

“What for?” you asked, genuinely confused. “You protected me as much as you could, I'll always be thankful for that.”

“Why didn't you tell me?” he whispered.

“Because I didn't want you to torture yourself,” you replied, truthfully. “You do enough of that already.”

Bucky stared at you, looking a little dumbfounded, so you took the chance to get him back on his feet. He swayed and you instinctively wrapped your arm around his waist, keeping him balanced. You hadn't been lying, you had honestly never blamed Bucky for what had happened. You'd seen with your own eyes that he suffered far more than you did; you'd always regretted not being able to save him when you finally escaped HYDRA's clutches. You'd never expected to see him again, but often wondered about his fate... usually having nightmares about him being tortured to death. And since you'd been forced to watch a few of his wiping sessions, not to mention the treatment he receive from Rumlow, your subconscious had a lot to work with.

So you'd been surprised but elated when you'd encountered Bucky in the Compound's common room a few months back, and clearly remembered how shocked he'd been when you'd welcomed him with a grin. And despite the team knowing you'd also been a HYDRA captive, they'd never put two and two together... until Wanda came along, bringing a proverbial truck load of HYDRA secrets with her. Oh, you thought Tony had his suspicions, and you'd have honestly been surprised if Natasha didn't actually know, Clint too; they _were_ international spies after all. But nothing had ever been said, and in the following few months you'd spent around Bucky, you'd developed a real soft spot for the ex-assassin... and really, after realising he didn't remember you, what exactly was there to say: Oh, by the way, we were held together by HYDRA for a while and forced to have sex for the bastard's perverse enjoyment?

You just hadn't see the point and were perfectly content to get to know James 'Bucky' Barnes, since you'd previously only known the Winter Soldier. Besides, you liked the man he was; even with the truck full of issues that he had, Bucky was sweet and funny, thoughtful and kind. You'd debated asking him out once or twice, but realised you'd have _had_ to tell him about your shared history... because that would have just been asking for it all to blow up in your face otherwise. So not wanting to drag up things that really were best left forgotten, you'd been content simply remaining friends with him.

“Besides, I should be the one apologising,” you stated, quietly.

Bucky looked at you, clearly confused.

“I couldn't get you out when I escaped, I've always regretted that,” you admitted, ashamed.

He shook his head. “They'd have triggered me and forced me to kill you.”

You smiled mirthlessly in reply. “Most likely.”

To your surprise, Bucky suddenly wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you into a tight hug. You returned the favour, squeezing him gently as your cheek rested against the soft cotton on his t-shirt; his heart thundered in your ear. You felt him kiss the top of your head, and without really thinking you took a deep breath, inhaling the comforting scent of his spicy aftershave. Of course, when you'd first found out Bucky wore Old Spice... like he'd done back in the forties... you couldn't help teasing him. But now, it was probably your favourite aftershave, something about it just smelt so warm and grounding to you now.

“Thank you, for not hating me,” he whispered, tentatively.

You squeezed him tighter. “I could never hate you, Bucky.”

 


	3. Salvation (Bucky PoV)

Inhaling deeply, trying to commit the scent of her perfume to memory, Bucky couldn't believe how he'd got there. Only a few hours ago, he was a huddled mess after reliving some of his darkest memories. Now, he was inexplicable laying on his still too soft bed, his stubbled cheek pressed against her cotton covered stomach. How she could stand to be near him after everything, Bucky didn't know. How she didn't blame him, he couldn't fathom. However, he couldn't deny that she seemed to genuinely feel no contempt towards him. If anything, she seemed utterly upset that he'd had to relive those memories... memories of times she was adamant weren't his fault.

Bucky wasn't sure he'd ever truly believe her, but the fact she was willing in his room along with him... happily letting him cuddle into her... certainly leant some credence to her claim that she truly didn't hate him. _How_ he'd been so lucky, earning her undeserved forgiveness without even trying, Bucky didn't know. But he'd never stop being thankful for that fact. However, in light of the new revelations, he had no idea where that left them. Still friends it seemed, though even with her absolution, Bucky knew he'd never be worthy enough to be anything more... which was why he nearly fell off the bed in surprise, when she quietly asked:

“So... do you fancy a date Friday night?”

“P...pardon?”

“Friday night, you and me,” she clarified. “Not that I want you to feel obliged or anything. I've just wanted to ask for months, and figured since we were already clearing the air... but never mind. I'm being an idiot. Just forget I said anything.”

Without thinking, Bucky bolted upright to look at her, though quickly worried if it would seem like he was looming over her. Even if she said she didn't blame him for anything, he didn't want to even chance making her feel uncomfortable around him. So he sat back on his heels, trying to hunch to make himself seem less threatening, whilst still trying desperately to catch her eye. All the while his heart was hammering in his chest, wondering if he'd actually heard her right.

“N... no doll, if it's alright with you, I'd rather remember you just asked me out,” he said, nervously.

A huff of laughter escaped her perfect lips. “Yeah... of course you want to remember me making an ass of myself.” She sat up then, offering him a lopsided smile. “I'm really sorry, Bucky. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“You didn't, doll,” he reassured her, quickly. “Just surprised me. I'd... ah... been trying to get the courage to ask you out for months, but didn't think I'd stand a chance with a knockout dame like you.”

“Knockout, huh?” she drawled, her smile widening.

“Prettiest looker around,” Bucky complimented.

“So... are you busy Friday?”

“As it so happens... I have a date with a smoking hot babe,” he teased. “Debating if I'm brave enough to ask her to be my main squeeze.”

The smile she gave him was breathtakingly beautiful, as she replied: “I think she'd be an idiot to say no.”

 


End file.
